So...it goes something like this...i have 4 daughters, all birthed to someone else. Someone else who could not care for them...and fortunately, 3 of the girls came to us quickly after birth, either within days from the hospital or in Sarah's case, at 4 weeks. Only Symone came later, she had just turned 2 years old. Symone, and the others, have always know that she is different in the family. She is the only African - American here, so obviously, she is from somewhere else. What has yet not been regularly spoken about is that the others also came from different families/birth mothers. So, a couple of months ago, Stephanie, the next in the chronological order of things, age 4, started to ask. She has been asking for about a year, "did I come from your belly", etc, and I've been able to avoid the actual conversation...not anymore, she is onto me. So, now the conversation goes something like this, random moments in time, usually while driving, "Mom, what's the ladies name who's belly I came from" and I give a simple answer and we move on. Learned a long time ago, only answer the question that is asked of you, do not give extra information, gets you into trouble every time...especially with kids.
So, today...long day, full of things that did not work out...missed appointments, miscommunications, etc...at the end of all of it...having a moment with Stephanie watching a movie. She senses that I am not 'ok' and wants to make it better, as she is uncomfortable with me not being 'ok'. So, she says to me, "Momma, I love you" and I say, "Honey, I love you too. You are my Baby" to which she responds, "No, I not! I came out of another Lady!"...
And, while my head knows that this is an ok thing for her to say, that she is trying to understand it, that she will be ok, that we are a family, that I am HER MOTHER, that I am the one she comes to for comfort and love, that I am the one who cares for her every day...THIS is heartbreaking in the moment! and, when I'm not 'ok' she is distancing herself so she doesn't feel at fault...I know all of this in my head...and yet, my heart hurts in these moments...
Raising girls is hard...raising girls birthed to other women...I'm finding very hard...
posting it...makes it even more real...and yet a way for me to look back and remember...
and learn from myself...
1 comment:
ok....this is good to read. hmm...gives me more to think about. in a good way. you're a great adoptive mom. i hope i can be a fraction as good as you are to your girls.
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